Growing up as a boy, there was always a relentless pressure to perform, to be the best, to chase success like it was the only thing that mattered. My parents (mostly my dad) were direct about it, my grandmother used her creative best approach to convince me. While their methods differed, their thinking was the same - life is linear: study hard, get a job now you are successful and happy. That was the formula.

It starts with the 10th board exams - “Crack this, and you’re on your path to success.” 

Then came the 12th boards - “This will determine which top college you get into. Work hard, and you’ll be sorted.” 

But just when you thought you were sorted, the next level was unlocked. “Do well in your graduation, and you’re set. Smooth sailing from there.” Was it? 

The next goal post moved to a master’s degree: “This is the pinnacle of success. Do this, and happiness will never leave.”

Well, I’m 41 now. I followed the formula. I checked every box. And what I learned is that happiness will always be fleeting. It is momentary contentment that I found myself constantly chasing, which came in intervals and the larger gaps filled with a lot of unpleasant emotions and thoughts. So ephemeral contentment, followed by long periods of stuff you don’t like.

That old-school mentality hasn’t changed much, but it has evolved. The definition of success is different now. Young adults, today, want to jump straight into business or launch their own startups. I can’t blame them considering what they see happening around them in the business world. The once-coveted 9-to-5 job, a symbol of stability and success is getting eclipsed by the dream of entrepreneurship and the pursuit of freedom in an unpredictable world. Anxiety levels have skyrocketed across generations. 

Having taught postgraduate students for nine years, I see a shift every year in how young people approach work and life. What they need isn’t orders or “someone else’s vision” to execute, they crave for guidance.

Parenting Beyond the Pressure to Perform

As a parent, my job is not to impose my own thought process or correct the wrongs of my past vicariously through my daughter. My job is to guide her, to equip her with the ability to make informed choices. For that, I make the following endeavours:

1. Be involved in her education – It’s easy to outsource education to schools and tutors, but that’s not enough. I need to understand her day-to-day experiences, what excites her, what frustrates her, and where she needs support.
2. Recognize Her Likes and Dislikes – She’s not me. She won’t necessarily enjoy what I did as a child, and that’s okay. I need to accept that and not force interests upon her.
3. Encourage Her Strengths, Even If She Doesn’t See Them – Sometimes kids are naturally good at things but don’t recognize their own talent. As a parent, I need to guide her towards honing those skills without making it feel like another pressure-filled task.
4. Teach That Not Everything Is a Competition – She doesn’t have to be the best at everything. That’s impossible. What matters is mastering a handful of things she’s truly passionate about. I also need to help her understand that it’s okay to not be good at certain things and move on from them without guilt.
5. Move Away from the “One Path to Success” Mentality – Education isn’t just about grades or degrees. We hear stories of entrepreneurs dropping out of Ivy League colleges and still making it big. That’s not to say education isn’t important, but rather that learning should be a lifelong process, not just a means to an end. I don’t want my daughter to go through the same “just finish this grade, then that grade” rat race.
6. Teach Financial Literacy – Schools don’t teach kids about money. But understanding finances is just as important as any academic subject. I want her to learn the value of money—not just earning it but managing it wisely.

Breaking the Cycle

The cycle of pressure and misplaced priorities needs to stop somewhere. It stops with me. If I don’t change the way I think and parent, my daughter will grow up trapped in the same inescapable pod that I found myself in. And that’s the last thing I want for her.

Success, happiness and fulfillment don’t come from a pre-written formula. They come from finding your own path, making mistakes, learning and and applying those learnings to better your game. My role as a parent isn’t to dictate that path but to help her navigate it on her own terms.