Older women dating younger men isn’t exactly breaking news. The concept around, even in India. Remember Dil Chahta Hai? That cult classic from 2001 that brought this dynamic to the forefront not just on-screen but in people’s psyche as well.
So why bring it up today in 2024? Because, even today people, even the very educated ones, still act like it’s something groundbreaking or taboo. It’s about time we normalize this. As a parent, it’s especially important for me to understand the changing dynamics of relationships. When my daughter grows up, I want to be in tune with her generation and how they navigate their relationships, instead of being stuck in outdated mindsets.
Think about it, when a man dates an older woman, people HAVE to point out the age difference. “Oh, you’re dating an older woman?” But flip the script, and no one bats an eye. A woman dating an older man? Totally normal. Just a girl dating a guy. No adjectives or theatrics needed.
I was fortunate enough to speak with two women, who were more than happy to share their experience on dating significantly younger men.
SAPNA (name changed)
Let's look at Sapna’s experience—a 39-year-old woman in a relationship with a 25-year-old man, who incidentally hasn’t been in a proper relationship before this.
“When I was considering a relationship, it was never a conscious decision to date someone younger, it just happened” she says. “What I realised was that it was a great friendship at first that eventually blossomed into a romance.”
While the age gap didn’t feel apparent between the two of them, the conversation around family approval was an entirely different story. “I mean, we live in India. My mother was being stereotypical and judgemental, but more about him and not really the age. His family though, they were being judgemental about the whole thing and sadly the answer was NO. The way we handled it was, we made it very clear to them that this person matters to me and gave them the space with the hopes of coming around.”
On their relationship dynamics, Sapna shares,“His maturity levels are lovely when it comes to a relationship, but it doesn’t exist in isolation. There are other stressors that do come along the way, and with age, handling multiple stressors gets easier. At his age, it’s difficult to prioritize what to drop and what to pick.” She acknowledges that while he was a good partner, managing stress at 25 was something he was still learning.
She also points out a larger issue: the lack of education around dealing with stress. “The issue is that we are just not taught to handle stress when we are growing up, especially in school. We are told that stressors are horrible and the worst things, and that’s that. But we are not taught to work through our stress and eventually learn that this is ok and it is part of life. We have to teach our kids to deal with stress, and parents must inculcate that from a young age.”
When it came to long-term decisions, they agreed on one major point. “We were very clear that we did not want to have children,” she says. Marriage was more of a gray area. “We went back and forth on marriage, but it wasn’t really a deal-breaker. I just wanted to be in a situation where we wanted to be committed, and if it doesn’t have to be on paper, then so be it.”
As a millennial dating a Gen-Z, Sapna faced mixed reactions. “When I broke it to my friends, it was largely positive. His friends had some reservations, but when they met me, it seemed okay to them. Honestly, the age difference doesn’t affect our relationship dynamics. I’m almost 40, and he’s over 25. As you grow older and decide to make this relationship work, you start caring little about what other people have to say or what is expected of you to fit in social settings.”
Being the older one in the relationship, she admits to being more pessimistic at times, but she appreciates his optimism. “Being older, I do tend to be judgemental and pessimistic, but his freshness and optimism was nice. I don’t dismiss his perspective to life, and it was a beautiful experience.”
AKSHATA B
Let’s hear Akshata’s story—a 30-year-old woman dating a 23-year-old man.
“I met him at a wedding and I was going through some bad stuff.. I had hit rock bottom because I was in a very abusive relationship, where I was beaten up. I can openly speak about it because I am past it now,” she says. Akshata wasn’t consciously looking to date someone younger, and he didn’t even look his age when they met. What struck her was his maturity and how well he was doing for himself despite being 23.
“I have never dated a person who is younger than me; this is the first time. I think the difference between every elder guy I have dated and this one was he had this spark, this energy about life and ambition, and a very different outlook to life,” she shares. She was pleasantly surprised by his vision—not just about relationships but also about how to behave and carry himself.
Part of this maturity, she feels, stems from his upbringing. “He grew up living with his mum from a young age after his dad left them. So he’s got these traits like, he is a giver and he is extremely respectful. He took me in when I was at my lowest, when he didn’t have to. The fact that he’s been brought up by just one parent I think that has had an effect on him, like the way he treats women.”
What stood out most was how different it was with him compared to her previous experiences. “Every time I went out with a guy or even had conversations, it was over a drink. But this boy would just want to grab a coffee with me and walk around for hours having conversations, and this went on for a couple of months. And he was a good listener.” She recalls a moment when he indulged her in a social experiment that shifted her perspective on life. That’s when she realized how mature he was, only to find out later that he was just 23. “I couldn’t believe it. He is like a ray of sunshine and full of positivity,” she says.
One thing she truly appreciates about him is that he doesn’t make empty promises. “He did what he said; his actions spoke louder than his words, which was a refreshing change from the men in the past who would make these empty promises.” The turning point, however, was how he presented himself to her parents. “That is important for any girl trying to get into a serious relationship,” she explains.
But the relationship hasn’t been without its share of judgment. “Society looked at it differently. People would label me as a cradle-snatcher, sugar mama, etc. I have heard people comment that I will just use him and throw him away. It didn’t feel nice to be thought about like that as the older partner in the relationship. But we have a very equal relationship because he’s never made me feel that he’s any younger.”
Her parents were cautious at first, concerned about his young age and career stability, but her partner proved them wrong through his actions. “Even his mother was fine with the relationship,” she adds.
Sapna’s & Akshata’s story highlights that love and respect are not bound by age. Relationships like theirs, challenge stereotypes and prove that sometimes, the person who truly supports you doesn’t come in the package society expects.
it’s time we all stopped judging and just let people love and live.
